The hospital won't let us leave without a pop quiz

This week I learnt that you don't just get to walk out of the hospital with a baby. Apparently someone checks there's a car capsule, properly fitted, before you leave. Nobody told me there'd be a test. I've done less homework for things I've signed mortgages on.

So that's where the list started. Not with the cute stuff. With the one thing that stands between us and the car park.

The capsule

I went in thinking I'd grab a second-hand one off a mate. Then I read the official advice and changed my mind. You can't see a capsule's crash history, so we're buying new and getting it fitted and checked well before the due date. Baby Bunting has them from about $349 (the Maxi-Cosi Mico 6) to about $549 for ISOFIX models like Nuna, with the Britax B-Pod Lite in the middle at about $379. The capsule page has the serious stuff and the official links. No jokes on that bit, I promise.

Everything else I panicked about

Once the capsule was sorted in my head, I made a list of every other thing I thought we needed. It was four pages. My partner looked at it, crossed out about three and a half of them, and said, "She needs somewhere safe to sleep, something to get around in, nappies, and a way to eat." Which, annoyingly, is the list.

• Somewhere safe to sleep. I suggested a very nice wicker laundry basket. I've since read Red Nose and I've been gently, correctly told no. A basic bassinet is about $179. Safe sleep page.
• A pram. I pushed a $1,400 one around the shop and felt like a bloke in a car ad. Then I remembered it's for walking to the shops. Mid-range is around $500. Pram page.
• Nappies and wipes. I did the maths and it's roughly $10 to $25 a week on budget nappies. I'll be fine. I will not be fine. Nappies page.
• A basic feeding kit. Even if breastfeeding goes to plan, I want a backup that isn't me at 3 a.m. holding an unwashed bottle and a lot of regret. Feeding page.

The honest bit

I'm going to be a girl dad. I've never changed a nappy. I've held a baby maybe twice, both times like it was a casserole dish straight out of the oven. I'm excited and I'm properly scared, and writing this down is how I'm dealing with it.

Next week: the cot or bassinet decision, and whether flat-pack furniture can be assembled by a man who still has two spare screws from a bookshelf in 2019.

If you've done this before and something actually helped, tell me. I'll take all the help I can get.